curious hearts

A few tattoos in subtle places is sexy.

Covering your body with them, so you practically cover your skin is not.

Just saying.

ENGLISH LITERATURE

• Coursework of 3,000 words is due in 2 weeks. I’ve only written one paragraph.
• I got an A- (26/30) in my essay on Christopher Marlowe’s play, ‘Dr Faustus’. Happy!
• NEED TO START REVISING FOR MY RE-SIT.

HISTORY

• Got first draft of coursework back. It’s a B. Needs more evaluation to be an A. Word limit is 4,000. I’m on 3,965. FML. It’s 40% of the course so I want to do well so there’s not as much pressure on the exam.
• Good natured teacher teaches from a boring book, and calls it ‘degree standard’, when really it’s suicide.
• Got an essay due in 6 days. I’ve not started it.
• NEED TO START REVISING FOR MY RE-SIT.

RELIGIOUS STUDIES

• The only subject I feel like I’m actually ahead in, but everyone else is catching up and I’m waiting around bored out of my mind, so I don’t turn up for the lessons anymore.
• Keep getting A’s for my term essays, so I feel happy.

SOCIOLOGY

• Up to date with AS ‘Family’ module, but need to start condensing notes for January exam.
• Don’t know where the fuck I am with A2 ‘Crime and Deviance’ module. He’s not giving me any help. The exam is just over a month away. Great.

When you’re listening to your music in headphones and someone starts talking to you and you pretend to listen and let them ramble on, then when they’re finished just nod and say, “yeahhhhh, i know” even if they’ve said, “so will you come to this mega important thing?”. it’s only when they look and they are waiting for an answer when you think, “oh shit”.

Recently I found a YouTube channel called LesbianAnswers, run by Jenna Anne. I’ve found her to be a truly inspirational person. She provides advice to the LGBT community by making her comical, yet heartfelt videos, always with a fantastic message.

It was this particular video which made me want to make this post.

As a bisexual I’ve always been slightly reluctant from wanting to tell people the fact that I am a ‘bisexual’, not because I’m ashamed of it. On the contrary, I’m quite proud, but because of the misconceptions they have of ‘bisexuals’. Many people joke and say, ‘Oh, bisexuals are so greedy’, or ‘You haven’t chosen which one you like yet?…get your head sorted’. What I’d like for people to realise is what may seem as a nonchalent remark can actually be quite hurtful. It’s who I am.

Even one of my gay friends found out I was bi and he said, ‘Oh greedy one you are!’ I knew he meant it as a joke, but it’s stuck with me because it was slightly hurtful. People aren’t food - as far as I know I haven’t tried to rip someone to pieces in an attempt to ravish them in carnage (no, this isn’t a sexual innuendo, it’s a reference to the greed label!)

Being bisexual is not something you pick, like apples off a tree. It’s not a transition between being straight and being gay. It’s liking both sexes, whether equally, or one more than the other. Bisexuality isn’t something you can control. You can’t help who you fall in love with, or who you’re attracted to.

—

My Coming Out Story

I’ve always admired good looking people - like everyone you know when someone is beautiful or particularly handsome. But I first started feeling attracted to members of the same sex in the latter part of year nine. (aged 13). During PE, getting changed I’d steal looks at some girls, and think, ‘why am I attracted by this?’ It sounds like stalker behaviour, but it was totally innocent. They were feelings of confusion. I’d get undressed and dressed as quickly as possible, to avoid the red blushes on my cheeks.

Then in years 10 and 11 I began to have feelings for one of my best friends. She admitted to our friendship group that she had feelings for a girl (not me) and I wasn’t shocked. I kind of knew all along. However, we had a chemistry that you could just brush off as a really good friendship. But I started to want to kiss her all the time. I wanted to be in a relationship with her. Subtly at school we’d hold hands under the desk. Then another close friend had a sleepover for our friendship group for her birthday and the girl I liked was going. It was my birthday the week later and she said, ‘I’ll give you a special present’. Spending time with her was great and in the darkness in the cinema we held hands, away from the sight of our friends. Then that night we were alone in a room and my ‘special present’ was a kiss from her. It was special because it was my first kiss. I was 14. All our emotion over the couple of years of frustration that we’d spent together was fuelled into that night. It was beautiful. And then she blanked me. She couldn’t handle it. She was confused and regretted it, and I was heartbroken. I loved her. Unfortunately the other friends at the sleepover knew what had happened and they had told each other, and thankfully they kept it a secret in our friendship group.

However, it was me that revealed my bisexuality. Due to my fragile state I turned to someone, who I thought was a friend I could trust. I told her about the situation and asked her for advice. She helped. Or so I thought. But unfortunately she also had a big mouth. She told EVERYONE and within a couple of weeks practically the whole school knew. I was humiliated, and worst still, the girl I loved refused to even look at me. I had to swap classes. I missed school occasionally and I even thought about killing myself. Drastic I know. My friends accepted me but they all got freaked out that I would have a crush on them. It was petty. But now it’s fine and they treat me normally. But the girl I loved texted me, ‘I never want to see you again you ugly, dirty lesbian’. I felt betrayed, destroyed. She broke my heart completely, and I thought I was beyond repair. I broke down on the phone to a friend and was crying uncontrollably in the bathroom. My mum and dad didn’t have a clue what was going on. I didn’t want to tell them. My mum’s a pretty staunch Catholic and I’ve never been particularly emotionally close to my dad so telling them I thought I was bisexual was totally out the question. I told them I was arguing with the girl. They saw how upset I was, and they questioned what she’d done, but I didn’t tell them. They hate her and she wouldn’t speak to me for about 4 months, until she contacted me out of the blue saying she was sorry and that she realised she needed me. My parents still don’t let me see her, even though we’re friends now. (Despite saying we’re friends, I haven’t spoken to her in about 2 weeks and I think we’re drifting apart, out of repair, which is probably good for me. My friends always told me she was controlling and no good for me, but I denied it to the ends of the earth, and only now 3 years later have I realised it).

I think a part of me will always love that girl, if now only platonic because she was a supremely important and special part of my life, which I am grateful for. I’ve written a book, ‘Captured’, not entirely finished, but one of the main characters is based on the girl and the other character is supposed to be me. It’s a way of retaining the special moments I spend with her, which despite all the heartache I probably won’t regret, because they made me realise who I am, a bisexual. And a proud one at that.

My parents still don’t know I’m bisexual after 3 years. My mum has suspected that I’ve kissed a girl but I asked her jokily, ‘Hey mum what would you do if I was a lesbian?’ and she said something to the effect of, ‘I’d be disgusted’. It made me confirm never to tell her, which is a shame.

P.s Sorry this has been such a long post, I never meant it to be quite so long!

Just sent a ranting Facebook message to my best friend because she’s pissed me off.

It’s kind of sad to think we can just turn to a machine to look up a word in our language.

Defy the times! Keep your dictionary at hand, and take that extra few seconds to flick through the pages. Retain the beauty of books and language even in the simplest of ways. Don’t let technology win! Fight back!

I ask for advice, then I complain when it’s not the advice I want to hear.

don’t want to go for a driving lesson in the ice and snow :(

Condoms are disgusting.

They could have thought of a better material than latex ffs.